Roots

 

Covid-19 : A Family Toolkit 

We are a week or so into the UK lockdown (although it may feel longer) and families are beginning to navigate their way through an unprecedented transition. We are encountering unfathomable change on a day to day basis. Like adults, children are experiencing the loss of ‘the familiar’ i.e. contact with friends, the safety of a school structure and time spent with extended family members. 

Children are encountering significant losses which result in a kind of grieving process for ‘what was’. Adults too are struggling to juggle how to sustain their working roles, how to support extended family members, whilst caring for their children at home. And all of this is occurring whilst the world outside appears increasingly uncertain and strange. 

We do not have the time and space to process our feelings as we would do normally. With so much time under the same roof, emotions can easily build, simmer and/or erupt. Children are highly perceptive of our feeling state and the changes in their environment; they are also likely to mirror our reaction to this experience. So how can we support our children through this time and improve our well-being, along with theirs?

1. Support feeling expression

Feelings of uncertainty and fear can trigger unusual and/or difficult behaviour. It is also likely that unexpressed feelings from a child’s past will surface during this time of closeness with other family members. These can be triggered by the smallest of incidents. For example, a lost toy or a different breakfast cereal! 

When these triggers unleash big feelings, it is best to give them space to be fully expressed. Instead of distracting or finding a solution, acknowledge the feeling and then stay present whilst the feelings are worked through. Some children respond well to their feelings being acknowledged verbally, some need physical comfort but few worlds and some prefer just your quiet presence. You will know best when it comes to your individual child’s needs. 

When we give space to these feelings (no matter the cause), children are better able to move forward and engage positively. When feelings go unexpressed, they don’t dissipate, they build and are likely to trigger negative behaviour or physical symptoms. 

2. Build connection 

Connection has never been more vital. We are all experiencing a loss of connection with our friends and extended family members. Children thrive on the experience of feeling fully connected with their closest caregivers. This involves feeling close through a mutual experience (i.e. laughing together) or feeling fully seen, heard or understood. Connection (you’ll be pleased to hear) also breads cooperation and is just as restorative for adults! Examples of connection include:

• Listening (with full attention) to your child sharing their experience.
• Connecting through touch i.e. holding hands, sharing a hug, a foot massage at bedtime etc (it is important that this is reciprocal and comfortable).
• Engaging through play. For younger children, this is their primary mode of communication. When we are able to connect with children via their play, we can learn so much about how they feel and perceive the world around them. For older children, playing a sport/game, reading or listening to music together works well. Follow their lead!
• Leaving time to connect at bedtime. Bedtime can bring up separation related fears. This is a time when residual feelings from the day (or from further back) tend to surface. Leave some extra time (where possible) to allow these feelings to surface and be acknowledged. We don’t have to ‘fix’ or provide a solution. Listening and validating are often enough.

3. Maintain boundaries and safe limits

When our day to day lives are disrupted, we might be tempted to let the usual routine (i.e. bedtime) and boundaries slip. This is natural and healthy at times. However, children tend to be particularly sensitive to change. Whilst the outside world turns ‘topsy turvy’, it is comforting for them to know that the same ‘rules’ and boundaries apply at home. A familiar start and end to the day can help them to contain all the changes they are encountering in-between times. Equally, clear and safe limits affirm to children that their ‘world’ at home remains safe and more or less predictable. 

This isn’t to say that we have to be regimented or overly strict. We can hold safe limits whilst acknowledging the impact these can have on a child’s feelings. 

For example, if you have to switch the tv off because your child refuses, and she reacts with a lot of emotion, you might say something like, “you really wanted to watch more. It upset you when I had to turn it off. We agreed just two episodes but you can watch the next one tomorrow.” Then give space for the feeling to be fully expressed. When we are calmly able to take charge (and this isn’t always easy), we communicate to our children an ‘i’ve got this’ approach and this helps to increase their sense of security. 

A note on home learning: Parents are feeling the pressure to keep their child on track with their school work. We cannot possibly wear all ‘our hats’ at once. There will be times when you have to prioritise one of your children or a work call or speaking to a relative. Be gentle with yourself. Most of us aren’t teachers, nor are we expected to be. Children learn better when they are relaxed. Let them direct their own learning where possible, this nurtures interest and helps to develop self-motivation and confidence. 

4. Take care of your own emotional well-being

Easier said than done I know! But this part is vital. A friend recently told me that she’d taken refuge in her car so that she could finish her cup of tea in peace! Good on her. These small but regular intervals are vital if we want to limit the potential for emotional overwhelm. We are currently trying to orientate ourselves in a new world with new rules. If you are parenting on your own, this is a huge and isolating task. Give yourself permission to step away if you need to; it is better to model to our children that we can take time to calm ourselves down than to remain in a situation that will likely escalate. You can reassure your child that you will be back when you’ve taken some deep breaths! When we take care of our own emotional needs, we are better able to look after our children’s. We also model the importance of looking after our individual well-being. 

5. Don’t forget to have fun!

We are juggling so much as we adjust to our new roles. Whether we’re trying to speak to a work colleague whilst brushing our child’s teeth or waiting in a 2 hour online queue to edit our food shop (a task i’ve given up on) whilst attempting to teach our child some maths (any maths), just getting through the day can be a huge challenge. If i’ve learnt anything as a parent or as a professional who works with other parents, I know that we can excel at beating ourselves up for what we have or haven’t done. We are human and we will make mistakes as we figure out how to juggle, let go and move on. Give yourself permission to down tools (your phone and computer!) when you can and ‘roll around’ on the floor with your children. We don’t always feel like playing but once we do, it never fails to ground us and improve the family mood. 

Whilst we navigate our way through this strange existence, it is so important to prioritise some fun. It is the best stress reliever and the most wonderful antidote to guilt! Chase each other around the lounge or garden, have an arm wrestle, stage an impromptu family disco, whatever works! Laughter is a surefire way to ease tension and to get your team back on track. 

After all, in years to come, when children recall this period of their lives, they won’t remember what they were taught or told by their parents but they will likely remember how they felt. 

N.B. We are bombarded with information and updates on the Coronavirus via the news networks. Our adult conversations are also heavily influenced by the current situation. It is hard enough for adults to process or make sense of this, let alone our children. However, it is important that we act as a filter. When explaining the coronavirus and the current changes, be mindful of your child’s age. If your child is young, it is best to use minimal words. Children also tend to hear and absorb more than we think they do; I advise we listen to the news out of ear shot and be mindful of the conversations we have in their presence.