There are so many demands on the modern parent and the competing noises for how we should parent can be confusing and overwhelming. In my work with children and parents over the years, similar themes resound. A parent is the expert when it comes to their child. They are best positioned to know and respond to their child’s needs. What complicates this dialogue is the ways in which us parents were raised (so many adults of my generation were not brought up to feel comfortable with their own feelings or intuition). And if we are unable to sit with our own difficult feelings, then how can we possibly manage those belonging to our children? The other complicating factor is the speed at which our lives now operate. There is often little time to slow down and connect so important clues (from our children) can get missed. So how do we help keep the innate intuition we have for our own children alive and well?

Give some space to your own feelings, learn to sit with them and invite them in. This may sound very ‘new age’ or implausible but this practice helps to unpick any unhelpful patterns picked up in your own childhood. Find what works for you. Meditation, writing, speaking to a friend or partner, giving yourself space to check-in with how you are and what ‘s going on. This is helpful when it comes to separating out our own feelings from those belonging to our children.

Protect some time each day to connect with your baby or child. This doesn’t have to last a long time. Ten minutes of distraction free, focused time is worth a lot. During this time, let go of any agenda, pay full attention to what your child is saying/doing. Follow their lead and invest in seeing the world from their perspective.

Try to see your child’s behaviour as a form of communication. If we focus on the behaviour in isolation, it is far more likely to trigger our reaction and to reinforce a negative pattern. When we are curious about the feelings which lie behind the behaviour we are far more likely to respond with understanding and acceptance. This does not mean, we throw limits out the window. Far from it. We can hold a limit, whilst accepting the feelings that surface. In fact, frequently, children use limit setting as a way of releasing feelings that they have been carrying around with them. Feelings that have been pushed down or ignored act like a pressure cooker, fuelling irritation and acting out behaviours until they are released fully.

And lastly, be forgiving of yourself. If there is one thing that I recognise in myself and in other mothers and fathers, it is the pressure we place on ourselves. We are human and therefore destined to make mistakes on a regular basis. We can hold ourselves accountable with our children, we can apologise but then in moving forward, we model to our children that they too can make mistakes and recover without permanent damage to their self-worth. Being a parent is a work in process.

For advice or support, please get in touch.